It’s a week like this past week where I wish I played in more shallow fantasy football leagues. You know, like an eight of a 10-teamer. A league that has a waiver wire still flush with talent even when you’ve got six teams on a bye. Sure, it’s less challenging and luck ends up having more to do with it than knowledge, but sometimes weeks like these just burrow under my skin and eat away my insides. These deeper leagues offer no solace on the waiver wire and when you have a substantial portion of your moneymakers on a bye, things can get pretty rough. But, of course, that just gives me so much more to bitch about, so let’s just get right to it…
Let’s just start things off with Packers coach Mike McCarthy. Who the f*** do you think you are? Mike Shanahan? Stop screwing around with your backfield! Eddie Lacy has nine carries for 57 yards in the first quarter. The Bears can’t stop him. He’s carrying multiple defenders on his back while he fights for extra yardage. He looks like a beast out there. So what the hell are you bringing in a tomato can like James Starks for? That 22-yard touchdown should have been Lacy’s. Those 40 yards he picked up throughout the game should have been Lacy’s. Now I know he carried the rock 22 times for 150 yards and a touchdown of his own, but come on man. Did it win you the game? No. And those 10 points were make or break for a lot of fantasy football owners, including myself. If it ain’t broke, Mike, don’t fix it. And Lacy sure ain’t broke.
And speaking of ‘make or break’, how many teams did Arian Foster break this week? Certainly more than the number of ribs Ben Tate had broken coming into this week, right? How do you bow out of a game less than a minute into the first quarter? You do know we can’t change our lineups once the game starts, right? At least now we all know that when the sh*t comes down and the zombie apocalypse is upon us, it’s Tate you want on your side and not Foster. Tate would be out there like Johnny Rambo fighting through the action while Foster is hiding in a bunker somewhere acting like Ezal in Friday – My neck! My back! My neck and my back!
Well, there’s that guy Murphy and his stupid law again; just kicking fantasy owners in the groin every chance he gets. Raise your hand if you started Andy Dalton this week. Did you start him over the struggling Tom Brady? Ben Roethlisberger? Nick Foles? While none of us really believed he would have another five-touchdown game, I’m pretty sure we all thought he’d do better than the three-pick, no-score performance we got, regardless of how many yards he threw for.
Ray Rice, meet the bench. Bench, splinter his ass! We knew the schedule was a tough one for him this season, but I don’t think any of us were expecting a season this bad. And what’s worse is that the schedule doesn’t get any better for him moving forward. I’d say trade him, but only your league idiot is going to be willing to pay full price. And if you’ve been starting Rice each week, you just might be that league idiot. Just sayin’.
When did Dez Bryant become such a sink or swim option? Given his abilities and the number of targets he sees each game, he’s totally sucked in three of his last four games — standard scoring, that is. Two out of four if you get a point per reception, but even then, he’s been less than what you hoped for when you drafted him. Maybe it’s the below-league average 58.6-percent catch rate that’s screwing everything up. Someone get Clifford Franklin some stick ’em.
Well done, Ryan Mathews. I knew the real you was in there somewhere. Oh, and maybe next time the Chargers can give Danny Woodhead a lead blocker when they run it at the goal line and they….and many of us, could have won our games this week. How do you sit there with 1st and goal inside the ONE, and not score?
Surprise, surprise! Darren McFadden is out with a hamstring injury. Give me a moment…..my head is spinning. Welcome to owning him. And I say welcome, because no one ever owns this guy for more than one year. Why? Because we’ve all been there before. We have all, at some point, drank the Run-DMC Kool-Aid and have been burned seven ways from Sunday. You own him one year and you vow to yourself never to draft this clown ever again. He’s got the weakest legs of any running back I’ve ever had the displeasure of owning.
Dwayne Bowe still sucks.
Steve Smith still sucks.
And yes, Darrius Heyward-Bey’s hands are still made of granite.
And finally, can someone please tell me what the hell happened to Matt Ryan these last two weeks? And don’t say it’s because he doesn’t have his top two receivers. He’s done fine without Roddy White all season and he was fine that first game without Julio Jones. Funny how his slump coincides with the return of Steven Jackson. I’m not entirely sure how the two correlate, but there’s got to be a connection there somewhere. If it wasn’t for his match-ups from Week 11 through Week 15, I’d be looking to deal for a replacement, but begrudgingly right now, I’m going to believe that Matty Ice will return.
Actually, allow me to finish today with a selection from the ol’ mailbag…
You sure do complain a lot. Are all your teams losing this season? Surely something good has happened to at least one of your fantasy football teams. I do enjoy this article series though.
North Liberty, IA
Thanks for writing. Truth be told, I’m actually killing it in six of eight leagues this year. But that doesn’t mean that I expect anything less than perfection for each and every one of my guys. I don’t just want to win, I want to humiliate every person I play every week. Nothing makes me happier than an opponent with nothing to say the week after. But just to show you I’m not just a hard guy filled with rage and angst, I will tell you this…
In my primary league I traded Julio Jones for Matt Forte just before the season opened and I traded away Darren McFadden for Eric Decker right at the conclusion of Week 8.
Yeah, that just happened. BOOM!
::drops mic, walks off stage::