Fantasy Football Week 5 Recap: The Tuesday Rant

by Howard Bender on October 8, 2013

Frustrated-Tom-BradyLet’s face it….fantasy football recap articles are nothing more than a regurgitation of the highlights you watched either during the halftime show of Monday Night Football or on SportsCenter after you stumbled home form the bar and settled in on the couch with a plate of whatever it is you eat to satisfy the drunken munchies. This guy was great, that guy was phenomenal and we all lived happily ever after, right? Blah, blah, blah.

But what about the lowlights? What about the frustration? What about the angst you feel having watched some annoying quarterback throw the ball to everyone except your receiver? Aggravation is just as much a part of fantasy football as celebration is and everyone needs an outlet for it. So what are you going to do? Punch a wall? Kick your dog? Pick a fight with your wife (or husband)? While all sound like a good way to vent the frustration, none are without repercussion — cost of Spackle and a trip to the ER, bitten ankle and a trip to the ER, total silence at home……ok, well that last one isn’t too bad, but let’s just say that your chances of getting lucky diminish greatly.

So what we’re doing here is creating a forum strictly for whining, bitching and complaining about the nightmarish week you just had in your fantasy football league. With eight leagues going right now, I’ve got plenty to complain about so I’ll kick it off each week right here. Feel free to add your own in the comments section if you wish and if you have nothing to complain out, get the f*** out. Your team sucks and no one in your league likes you anyway.

Now, without further ado, here’s what’s got me steaming from Week 5…

Stevie Johnson? Totally useless right now. Nineteen lousy yards? Only three freakin’ targets? What is that? EJ Manuel is now out for four to six weeks, Jeff Tuel sucks and now the Bills are going with Thaddeus Lewis at quarterback? Johnson’s fantasy value is now circling the porcelain throne and you should probably trade him before the flushing is complete.

OK, we get it. Jimmy Graham is the greatest tight end ever. But can we not throw to anyone else on the team? And no, I don’t count nine targets for Pierre Thomas as really “throwing” the ball. What happened to Marques Colston? Are you telling me that he’s not over the foot injury or are we who drafted him getting screwed now? Thirty-one targets through five games just isn’t going to cut it.

And speaking of bum feet, Brandon Marshall’s value is headed south lately too, and will stay down as his nagging injury has opened the door for Alshon Jeffery. Suddenly Jay Cutler is spreading the ball around and give the success he’s had, I don’t see him going backwards and giving Marshall 30-percent of the targets again this year.

The reason I know so many people are dying to piss and moan about this week is found in the hordes of emails I got with people telling me that they just picked up and started LeGarrette Blount. Helloooooooo! McFly! Anyone home? Seriously, I tried to warn you all but you kept coming at me with more and more reasons why you wanted to start him. Well, how’d that go for you?

Is it asking too much for Matthew Stafford to not suck in the first half of a game? Seems like every week he opens up a bottle of suck-ass in the first half and those of us who own him have to hope and pray that the Lions fall behind fast enough that he just starts airing it out with some semblance of accuracy. And even then, he’s still not getting it done like we hoped. No wonder Calvin Johnson owners are ready to kill.

Alex Smith, meet Dwayne Bowe. Now pass him the frickin’ ball. Stop trying to lean on Donnie Avery. There’s a reason he’s called a journeyman and it’s not because so many teams covet his talent.

You know that the day we all drop Sidney Rice, he’s going to follow it up with an eight-catch, 130-yard, two-touchdown performance the following week, right? Problem is though, for as long as we hold him we’re going to continue getting these one-catch, eight-yard days.

Come on, Eli. You’re embarrassing yourself now. You’re now averaging more than two interceptions a game. Averaging! Your 12 interceptions are more than Sam Bradford, Alex Smith and Terrelle Pryor combined!

A new quarterback in Arizona and Larry Fitzgerald still stinks in fantasy.

I was super-psyched to land Matt Ryan in a couple of league…until Roddy White’s ankle gave out and now Julio Jones’ foot. Gonna be a loooooong season in those leagues now. Yaaaay! Harry Douglas….said nobody.

And finally, eight leagues and in not one of them do I own Peyton Manning. Fuuuuuuuuudge.




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