Fantasy Football Week 15 Recap: The Tuesday Rant

by Howard Bender on December 17, 2013

stafforddownSo for those who felt a little empty inside and missed having the Tuesday Rant last week, you have my sincerest of apologies. I decided to indulge some of the more happy, go-lucky readers who apparently feel that my rants are affecting my fantasy karma and I tried to keep a more positive outlook on things for the early rounds of the fantasy football playoffs. You’re welcome to ask how it worked for me, but how about I just tell you to spend the holiday season punching some tree-hugging, life-loving hippie who obviously knows nothing of the rigors and frustration that winning a fantasy football championship entails. Punch him right in his Birkenstock-wearing, patchouli-smelling, dirty, jobless face. There’s no such thing as karma in this game and anyone who thinks there is, they’re just looking for an excuse as to why they lose every year. With that, let’s get right to the rant. In my four playoff matches this past week, I went 1-3, so there’s plenty of lame to be placed.

What better place to start than with the Monday night game as numerous owners who may have been a bit behind in their game, let’s say 15 points or under, but had Matthew Stafford ready to go on Monday night. The Ravens pass defense has been ok, but nothing too spectacular. Surely, a rebound at home from a crappy Week 15 against the Eagles was in the cards right? Reggie Bush was coming back so the ground game was back and there was no way the tandem of Stafford and Calvin Johnson was going to be shut down again, right? Well, just 235 feeble yards, one measly touchdown and three interceptions later and BAM! Screwed again. Stafford put up the second-lowest fantasy point total of his season and owners banking on, even just an average day, were left standing there with a very unsettled and unsatisfied feeling. Screwed me in one league, but was fortunately irrelevant in another.

Of all the weeks for Peyton Manning and Co. to take a big fantasy dump, right? Manning put up a very McGloin-ish stat line, Knowshon Moreno turned into Know-show Moreno and where the f** were Demaryius Thomas, Eric Decker and Julius Thomas? Seriously, Peyton? Andre Caldwell? That’s where you decided the ball should go in this battle for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs? Even fantasy owners know that you stick with your studs, man. You spent a whole night throwing the ball to places it shouldn’t have gone.

Oh, Matty Ice. Why have you thawed? The tough run of match-ups has come and gone and Matt Ryan still playing like you’re facing Seattle every damn week. 29-of-38 in passing and you only come up with 210 yards? How is it that you’re the only quarterback in the last six weeks that hadn’t realized that passing against Redskins cornerback Josh Wilson is like shooting fish in a barrel? And if you didn’t realize how soft he was, Steven Jackson sure reminded us all in the first quarter.

Can anyone tell me where the hell Andre Johnson was on Sunday? Anyone? Anyone? Maybe not all 10 of Case Keenum’s targets were on the money, but you come up with just four catches for 18 yards? Eighteen?? How the hell do you put up just one point during one of the biggest….THE biggest, in some cases…weeks in the season? Maybe all your problems with Matt Schaub aren’t Schaub’s fault after all.

It was a stinger, Donald Brown. A stinger. A stinker is the game you played. A stinger is nothing but a temporary ouchie one gets when one plays a game like football. No breaks, no tears, no muscle pulls, nothing. A stinger. And because of that you put stupid Trent Richardson back on the fantasy radar. Yuck!

You know it’s a bad week when LeGarrette Blount and Stevan Ridley both out-gain Shane Vereen. Even in PPR leagues, this guy was a joke against the Dolphins. He didn’t need to duplicate his Week 14 numbers but come on….that wasn’t even a little close.

Sure, sure. Go ahead and start the Eagles defense. They’ve been hot lately and they’re facing a Vikings offense that has Matt Cassel at the helm and little or no ground game of which to speak. Start ‘em. They’ll be great, right? Doh! You shouldn’t even be allowed to call yourself an NFL team when you cough up 48 points to the freakin’ Vikings. “You just got your asses whupped, by a bunch of goddam nerds! NERDS!!!” How you let a tomato can like Mike Asiata find the end zone three times in a game is beyond belief. Nothing like your stupid defense ringing up negative points for your weekly scoring.

So long, Victor Cruz. It’s been fun. Sorta. Eli Manning better get his head out of his ass or you’re not even going to be worth spit in keeper leagues.

And by the way, can we PLEASE get that meatsack Peyton Hillis out of the league? I’d almost rather have that crybaby Brandon Jacobs back.

I faced Jamaal Charles in two of my match-ups this week. F.U., Kansas City!

How bad is Steve Smith this year? Pretty freakin’ bad. He’s nothing but a mediocre possession receiver most of the time and when he faces a match-up as soft as the Jets passing defense, he can’t even supply his level of mediocrity. The Jets were ranking 29th in the league against opposing No. 1 receivers and giving up a ton of yards to them. Expect this week. Because it’s Smith. And because I started him. Puh-thetic.

For all you Tony Romo haters out there, I’ll say this: Who gives a crap if Dallas won or lost the game? I hate Romo and the Cowboys as much as the next guy, but I’ll take 358 passing yards and two touchdowns for my fantasy team any day. You want to serve it up with a couple of interceptions, that’s fine too. It happens. But to berate Romo for your fantasy loss this week is retarded. If you lost your weekly match-up because Dallas lost to Green Bay, then you play in one f***ed up league that makes little or no sense.

And just like that, the Michael Floyd experiment is officially over. Dunzo. Kaput. Seattle next week? Don’t even think about it.

I wish I had some clever, slightly witty remark about BenJarvus Green-Ellis….you know, like the Law Firm was disbarred or something like that, but his performance sucked so badly……so badly….that I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Eight leagues, playing for one championship this week. I better win or there’s gonna be hell to pay.

Bender out.

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