Fantasy Football Week 13 Recap: The Tuesday Rant on a Wednesday

by Howard Bender on December 4, 2013

breeslossLet’s put it this way. I ended up eating so much at Thanksgiving that by the end of the day, the celebrity I resembled most was Jabba the Hut. And while my wife looked at me with the same disgust Princess Leah looked at Jabba with, she refused to don the gold bikini to complete the image/fantasy. Frustrated by her choice to remain fully-clothed, I continued to eat out of pure spite. Of course the food was fantastic (marshmallow covered sweet potatoes? Sold!), but spite was still my primary motivator. I eventually passed out but was fortunate enough to wake up in time to set my fantasy football lineups and watch the games on Sunday. However, with wife still clothed, I resumed my feeding frenzy, ate straight through the Monday night game and passed out again until now. So not only am I ridiculously uncomfortable, but I’ve got a few bones to pick with the NFL and the fantasy football world.

Let’s start with one of the biggest letdown performances that knocked me out of the playoffs in one league and probably a ton of other people in theirs. Yeah, that’s right Drew Brees, I’m looking at you. A fantasy owner has certain expectations when they draft you in the first round and playing the match-ups late in the season with the playoffs on the line isn’t one of them. You looked fine on the road throughout the year. Not great , and certainly not of the typical Brees-like performances to which we’ve grown accustomed over the years, but come one…147 yards? Against a team that was down two of their top defensive backs? What is that? With the technological advances our moronic has made over the years, you’d think that we could read a stupid weather report and simulate crappy weather conditions at practice, no? Your whole team goes out and has custom earplugs made to deal with the noise and you can’t turn on the sprinklers and get a wind machine going at your indoor practice facility to learn how to play in crappy weather? Not cool, man. Not cool.

Was something wrong with Scott Tolzien on Thanksgiving? Did he eat some bad turkey or something that he was unable to play? Or was Mike McCarthy just being a stubborn idiot by keeping Matt Flynn, a guy who CLEARLY cannot throw the ball, in the game? Of course, no one in their right mind would have even thought to use Flynn for their league, but I guarantee that Jordy Nelson  and Jarrett Boykin were out there putting up zeroes for a number of people, amirite? It was only 17-10 at the half and Flynn was already sucking eggs at that point, so why not make the change? You ever seen a cranberry sauce and sweet potato upchuck before? My mother-in-law’s rug sure did.

Is the name of the Raiders quarterback really Holden McGroin? He sure passes in the red zone like it is.

In fairness to Mike Tomlin, he was probably distracted by the fact that he’ll never get another acting gig like he had on House. He was pretty good in Higher Learning too though I bet Michael Rappaport could kick his ass in real life.

Big thanks to Cleveland’s Chris Ohmygodyersobadya. Couldn’t even come through as a flex option in a PPR league against Jacksonville. JACKSONVILLE!! Don’t give me this crap that their defense is on the rise. Even after this debacle, they’re giving up over 130 rushing yards per game. Not to mention 16 rushing touchdowns.

Anyone want to remind Andrew Luck that an NFL season is 16 games long?

Is there something going on between Vincent Jackson and Mike Glennon that we’re not aware of? Did he sleep with his wife? His sister? How does someone go from one of the most targeted receivers in the league to just eight targets in the last two games? If it were just a busted game against Carolina, it’s be one thing but this is now two in a row and four out of the last five. Something’s up, and I want to know what it ius before I have to bench him against stinkin’ Buffalo this week.

And finally, the Case Keenum experiment is officially dead. One touchdown in his last three games? One? What happened to that super-soft schedule he had after Week 10? He threw three touchdowns against a tough Arizona defense and then comes up with one against a lousy Oakland secondary and then none against Jacksonville or New England? With a road game against the Jags next week, I guess we know where we can stick our expectations.

Sorry to cut things short this week, but I’ve got another batch of leftovers to plow through…

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