Fantasy Football Week 11 Recap: The Tuesday Rant

by Howard Bender on November 19, 2013

schaub1You know, I never like to tempt fate and upsetting the fantasy football gods is probably the worst thing you can do to yourself, outside of trading Jamaal Charles for Nick Folk that is. But sometimes you have to go to the edge, push that envelope, and gaze into the abyss and not care what happens when is gazes back. And with that I’ll say this: Damn you, Mother Nature! Damn you! You ruin everything! Enough with the wind. Enough with the rain. Enough with these stupid static storms. You’re killing me here. Lobbying for every team that doesn’t already play in a dome to build one isn’t going to happen. There’s just not enough land or money and far too much greed for that to actually happen. But all you have to do is grant me clear and sunny skies on Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays. Not all year long. I’m not that greedy. But between the months of September and December; that’s not too much to ask for. I don’t even care about January or February because the fantasy football season has nothing to do with the NFL playoffs. But for crying out loud, I can’t take another loss because my star players are all playing in these torrential downpours. Make it happen, lady. I don’t care how you have to do it. Just get it done.

Now here’s what else was getting me all uppity this past weekend.

OK, so I have to be nice to Gary Kubiak because too many harsh words could land him in the hospital again, but what the hell were you thinking there, Gary? Did you swipe some meds from your stay and are now popping pills at random? How in the world did you think that Matt Schaub would be a better choice to lead your team to a comeback than Case Keenum? Sure, the kid was having a rougher day than usual, but at his worst, he’s been better than Schaub. You should have realized that after you had to settle for a field goal on his first drive. And if not then, then what about the second time? You get down to the eight and 12-yard line and settle for six points and you still stick with him? Weak sauce, Gary. Super weak.

Leave it to the week I play against him in three leagues for Ray Rice to finally wake up, right? Now I’m stuck listening to a bunch of idiots spend the week saying “I told you so” after I turned down multiple trade offers with him being the player coming back to me. No doubt that every Rice owner out there is trying to deal him for a higher value now. But I’m telling you now, don’t do it. He’s going right back into the tank after this and if I find out your traded more than a bag of footballs for him, you’ll be the subject of my public ridicule right here next week.

If anyone out there finds the Marvin Jones from Weeks 6 through 8, could you tell him get his ass back out on the field?

Yes, Trent Richardson owners, Donald Brown is better. Get it through your heads already.

Raise your hand if you started Brian Leonard over Bobby Rainey this week. Hahaha! I didn’t. I just wanted to see how many suckers there were out there. When are you going to learn that it’s not who starts the game that matters in a situation like that. It’s the better running back who always shines brighter. You people need to do more research and stop relying on solely on the word of some nimrod who says, “Well Leonard is going to start, so go with him this week.”

Going up against the worst run defense in the NFL and Rashard Mendenhall rushes for 14 yards on 13 carries. Your honor, the defense rests. No, Andre Ellington didn’t show much either, but he only touched the ball 10 times all game. Ten times?!? Where the f*** is my 15 touch minimum, Bruce Arians? Is there something wrong with you? Are you just stupid? You just turned the best fantasy flex play of Week 11 into the biggest fantasy dud of the week.

How about a quick game of Would You Rather? Would you rather start Lamar Miller as your starting running back, Mike Wallace as your wide receiver, or have someone repeatedly stab you in the genitals with an ice pick until you pass out from the pain only to be woken up again and stabbed another 100 times? Seriously? I’m taking Option C here.

The touchdown vultures strike again as Andre Brown does all the work and that fat bastard Brandon Jacobs steals the glory. Seriously, Tom Coughlin? The guy plays one good game for you and then sits out like a big ol’ crybaby for the next three games and you reward him by letting him pad his stats like this? He couldn’t even make it back after the bye week. How about sticking with the guys who actually help you win games? You know, those who play for the team and not themselves…

Great job by the hype machine out of Seattle this week that talked about Percy Harvin playing a “significant role” this week against his former team. One catch for 17 yards? One target? I’m not so sure the folks from Seattle know what the word “significant” means.

And here’s a lesson to be learned by all the kids out there watching the NFL these days. Drive under the influence, smoke a bunch of weed, get arrested, put yourself and your stupidity ahead of the needs of your team and you’ll be handsomely rewarded with a prominent role in your team’s game plan. Fourteen targets for Dwayne Bowe? I mean, sure, maybe the glaucoma is gone and he’s seeing the ball a lot better now, but what kind of a message are we really sending here.

I’m sure I can find plenty more to bitch about here, but I’ve got to go and find some cover here. Mother Nature’s lightning bolt is headed right for my ass.

Bender out.



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