One of the perils of being in this business is that, before you know it, you’re in way too many fantasy football leagues. You’ve got your home league that you’ve been playing in since forever, then there are the family leagues where a brother, a cousin, and a nephew all invite me in because this is what I do, and then there’s the variety of work leagues in which I play. I actually said no to a few leagues this year, hoping to scale it all back and I still ended up in eight this season. Keeping track of the different teams, different waiver orders, different FAAB budgets and all the different weekly deadlines turns into a job of its own. People always ask me who’s on my team and my two standard responses are “which one?” and “everybody”. Seriously. Sure, I have my favorites who I try to have on as many teams as possible, but all in all, I’m pretty sure that there is not a single key fantasy player out there that I haven’t owned at some point or another. The bad part about that is that as I get older it gets more and more difficult to keep track. Hell, I called the dog Matt Ryan the other day. The good news…well…I can bitch about them all.
And what better place to start bitching than Miami, right? More specifically, Lamar Miller. Do I own him? I do, in one league. Do I ever start him? No. He’s far too unreliable. In standard scoring leagues, he’s never had more than 14 points and in five of the nine weeks he’s played this season, he’s tallied six points or fewer, including two zeroes. Of course I’m not starting this clown. But, of course, in one league, a guy I’m fighting with for position in the standings is in a tight game and is up by 11 in his game. He’s done, but his opponent, who I need to win, has good ol’ Lamar still to go. Obviously I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up what with the Miami offensive line in the midst of their own frat boys versus nerds fight, but two yards? How the f*** does any offense rush for just two yards in a game? No, seriously. I just fell down and advanced two yards. I just spit into the wind and it still went two yards. I just sneezed, and the booger that came flying out of my nose, which has more value to me that Lamar Miller ever will, flew two yards. You’ve got to be kidding me.
So what’s the deal in Arizona? Does Rashard Mendenhall have some sort of illicit photos of his coach, Bruce Arians? Is he dating his daughter or something and needs to have a job? Something has to be going on that this pathetic excuse for a running back not only has a job with the Cardinals, but the lead job and an endorsement from his coach. Andre Ellington is clearly the better player and out-performs Mendenhall on a weekly basis. Probably daily. Arians stated that Ellington would see 15-20 touches per game and lured fantasy owners into false hope only to kick us all in the groin with 11 touches to Mendenhall’s 13. Forget about the fact that on two fewer carries he still out-gained him on the ground, right? If this doesn’t get sorted out soon, then Ellington is going to be forced onto a lot of fantasy benches during a time when we could all use him most.
While I can appreciate the concept of garbage-time points and using players on bad teams that you know will see plenty of work even in losing situations, I didn’t expect that from Andrew Luck this week. Especially against the Rams. Unreal! Sure, the 353 useless passing yards pushed his point total into the positive (he had negative points up until the third quarter), but this is Andrew freaking Luck we’re talking about. This is not the way to make your owners feel comfortable in the middle of a playoff race.
Oh, and by the way, Indianapolis, you suck! You too, Tennessee. Two picks in my suicide pool and both of you let me down.
Damn you, Riley Cooper. I have so much contempt for you as a person but damn if you’re not turning into a fantasy beast right now. I can only hope that Michael Vick gets the starting QB job back and the offense goes back to ignoring you.
After weeks of proving his dominance and worthiness in fantasy circles, Eddie Lacy is about to feel the pain. And so are his fantasy owners. Aaron Rodgers has a fractured collarbone, Seneca Wallace has a groin injury and now the Packers are rolling with…Scott Tolzien? Ugh. This guy couldn’t win the third-string job in San Francisco earlier in the season and now he’s leading the Packers over the next few weeks? Come on. Sorry Lacy, but here comes eight men in the box and a whole world of hurt. It’s going to be so bad that when you say you went to the University of Alabama, everyone’s going to think you’re Trent Richardson.
Week 10 all-time head-scratcher? How do Nick Foles and the Eagles put up 49 points on the Raiders one week and then Eli Manning and company can’t get out of their own freakin’ way? If you told me at the beginning of the season that DeSean Jackson, Riley Cooper and Jason Avant would out-produce Victor Cruz, Hakeem Nicks and Rueben Randle, I would have thought you crazy. Now, I’m feeling like a jackass staying with Eli and Nicks this far into the season.
Hey Big Ben! WTF, dude? This was Buffalo you were playing against. Buffalo! You remember Buffalo, don’t you, Ben? Bottom five in pass defense heading into Week 10? 20 passing touchdowns allowed? How do you only muster 204 passing yards against these guys? That’s now three lousy games in your last four and in all of those crappy performances, you never played against a pass defense ranked higher than 16th in the league. That just ain’t cuttin’ it, Roethlisberger.
I guess the Marvin Jones era has gone as quickly as it came this season and with the latest rash of injuries, fantasy owners are feeling the sting of blowing their FAAB wads on this guy. Seems that our boy Marvin is incapable of shaking coverage once they start paying attention to him. He’s not even getting double-teamed and he’s having trouble coming down with the ball. Seven targets and just one catch? Disgusting. Just disgusting. And what’s worse is that I really want to trust in him next week as Joe Haden spends all his time shadowing A.J. Green, but something tells me that I’m just setting myself up for another visit from that jerk-off Murphy and his stupid law.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me every week until NFL Week 10 and I’m just a blind moron who can’t seem to get past the hope that Ray Rice isn’t going to just plain suck all year long. He’s facing the Bears next week who give up almost 125 yards per game and have allowed 10 rushing touchdowns this season. So what’s that going to do for Rice….40 yards? Maybe 50? Oh, who cares?
And finally, allow me to just give a big, hearty word of thanks — thanks for the two points this week, Colin Kaeper-plunk. Thanks for the fantasy douching.